So yesterday as a part of our week getting ready for recruitment, we had a lot of conversation practice. Over the past week, I have discovered that I am definitely not exactly the greatest conversationalist in the world. People doubt it, but I know myself…If I didn’t have Ty in DECA, I would have died. Thinking of things to say on the spot is not my forte…
I was feeling intimidated, and kept asking older members a ton of questions about what to say next. One run-through we did they were not allowed to help us. They stared at me with really blank looks when my eyes begged for help. I got very overwhelmed and felt like they should pull a movie-esque sorority move and hide me in the closet for Recruitment so I don’t have to talk to anyone…hahaha
But Solange kept telling me that I needed to be more confident in myself, that I KNOW what to say, and that I just have to stop thinking about it so hard and just let it flow. That just made me more stressed out. Because letting it flow is not really something I do very well. Also, I feel pretty good about myself the majority of the time, or if not good, at least content and accepting of myself. I’ve never had too many problems with body image, and so I never took time to think that I might be lacking self-confidence in the non-physical department as well. I began to feel frustrated at myself for not knowing that I was feeling insecure in this way… which is silly, because that is kind of an oxymoron and a circular argument…
J and I have started a reading plan on YouVersion.com, which just gives me a verse or two a day, with a small devotional to go along with it. When I went to bed last night, it was about 1am, and so I read today’s entry sort of early, sort of on time. (emphasis added myself)
It was Exodus 4:10-13, which says:
10 But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
11 Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”
13 But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.”
How appropriate. Then I was encouraged by these words:
Moses pleaded with God to let him out of his mission. After all, he was not a good speaker and would probably embarrass both himself and God. But God looked at Moses’ problem quite differently. All Moses needed was some help, and who better than God to help him say and do the right things? God made his mouth and would give him the words to say. It is easy for us to focus on our weaknesses, but if God asks us to do something, then he will help us get the job done. If the job involves some of our weak areas, then we can trust that he will provide words, strength, courage, and ability where needed.
I know that God isn’t too concerned with conversations at sorority recruitments in the grand scheme of things, but I know He cares about me and loves me enough to watch out for me and give me these words when I need them. He may not guide my words for the purpose of adding girls into my house, but I know that He will help me with my inner battle for self-confidence and will always be there when I need Him the most.
Admittedly, this summer has not exactly been my strongest spiritually. It has mostly just been extremely busy, and I can make excuses all day, but really it comes down to the fact that I did not make Jesus a priority. If I keep thinking, “Once I get to Korea,” or “Once I’m caught up on sleep,” or “Once I get home,” or “Once I get into a routine for school, THEN I will make time and actually have quiet time, or pray, or read, or do something “Christian.” But the cliche that says: “If you wait til everything is perfectly ready, you will never begin” creeps up in the back of my mind.
I need to start. and I need to start TODAY.